Round and round and round we go, in an endless loop that never ends.
Someone once told me that everything that will happen has already happened. It's an interesting concept, but even more interesting is it seems he was right. History seems to repeat itself. Round and round it goes, where it stops no one knows.

Ok, so remember that post last yea bout Kristina and Amanda, well yea Kristina stopped being my friend, til recently where she added me to her myspace again and aimed me. It's interesting how that was, what?, the second time that happend.
But even more interesting is this girl named Bri. -sigh- Don't know what to say about her... Here's the story:
so back in high school, We hung out through a friend named AJ. She told me she liked me(she must of had guts lol) I told her I liked her too, but I had a girlfriend at the time.. Holly. So Bri stopped talking to me(tear eye). Well At the end of the year Holly and I were done and then Kate came along. dated her for awhile and you all probably know that story. so Anyways, a little while ago, (don't remember exactly when) would like to say a few months ago-probably a little longer, I was thinking about old friends and people I knew from highschool, and I thought of her, and was like I miss her, wish I had her number. a few weeks later kelso(kelsey) texted me, and was like whats up, yadda yadda, said she was hanging out with Bri, and then Bri texted me... Bizzarre. lol it was like it was just handed to me. but she had a boyfriend. but now her boyfriend has broken up with her(wtf? is this a sign?). So we went and saw a movie last night, "The Hangover" that was funny. And I think we had a good time. It was just a friend date anyways. but with that though I don't even know how she feels about me. I know she still really likes her ex-bf(I mean they broke up like less than a week ago). So should I try to see if she likes me? or should I wait? It's like its fricken some massive coincidental chain or fate?
I do Like her...
I just don't know how she feels about me.
I usually just end up being just the friend anyways.. that seems to be my fate.
I'm confused =/
People talk about fate and destiny all the time.. is everything really set in place, and has been long predicted to happen for a reason?
Astrology.. many people believe in it, I don't... but maybe there really is something to it, something more... (maybe I've just seen too many movies lately)
Well I dont know what it is.. or what to do.. Someone... advice?

A dark night, silence all around
Darkness... Sadness... Loneliness...
Those are the only words that are heard

So I haven't had a girlfriend in over a year and a half now. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing... I'm not really sure how I really feel about girls.. They always bring me down, and are controlling and manipulative. That's mainly why I don't want to date anyone.. It seems my heart has become cold and frozen. I don't even know what love is anymore..
It seems this world is filled with Lust, not Love...
A friend once answered the question Love at first sight? Her response was "It's not love, it's lust" and that is so true. You can't love someone you don't know anything about. The only thing you "Love" is the way they look.. or in other words, Lust
SIgh... I wish there were more good girls out there, sweethearts, girls that can just lay with you and look up at the stars at night with. Someone to be able to hold and talk to. But alas I don't think there is any girl like that out there.
Now let's back track for a second because I know that every girl that reads this will be like oh Im like that! Sure you are. It's funny how most girls will be like I hate assholes, but those are the ONLY guys they will date.
But enough of that, back to the blog, see, I kind of hate girls because of how they are, how they control you and change you, and do what THEY want, but on the other hand, I really would like to have a girl to be with. Is there no girls out there that can just like me for me? or that will let me do what I want? Sigh....

We are all beings in this world trying to find our way
Maybe one day we'll meet....

Hello once again,
so where to begin... and what to do?
Blah
In life we all have to make decisions, choices and paths that lead to our future. One thing is for certain, all paths lead forward, just maybe not quite the direction one would like.

Lets begin this complicated tale, lol
so back in probably the end of May, Amanda started to like me, though, as you all know I liked Colleen, now this story isn't about Colleen, lol, its about Amanda and Kristina. So Amanda secretly liked me, because she didn't want Kristina to know, because her and Kristina are best friends, and Amanda would never want to hurt Kristina so. Well I have like kristina firstmost and like forever ago, but a few months Kristina stopped talking to me because her friend Jill said I was being shady behind Kristina's back. Well Amanda jumped at that and I started to like Amanda too. well finally Kristina started talking to me again, and its been sparce, our convos that is. anyways, Amanda, Kristina, and I all were talking last night, and we even got into a threeway chatroom with eachother, and like we all decided to get an apartment together and just all be like together.. haha... But I know that those kinds of things never really work out, especially in the end.. I mean, which one would I marry? etc, you know, plus it wouldnt be right either lol no matter how fun it could be.. Two girls sharing one guy.. that leads to jealousy, and etc.
Well I did hang out with Kristina today, it was pretty fun. we hugged, kissed and whatnot. but Kristina doesn't trully want to get close because she is affraid of hurting me, she doesn't fall for people. Kristina lives here in AZ, and Amanda lives in North Carolina =/
Both Kristina and Amanda are amazing. They have a lot in common, but at the same time, they are very different too.
Kristina is up for playing video games with me and/or watching me, and is sweet.
Amanda is fun to talk to and sweet too, though she hardly does what I ask her to =/
They both make me smile and cheerful
thought right now.. I feel a lil blah, or just. emptiness.. I dont know

I kind of feel like Im stuck in the middle here, and blah. =/ any comments? thoughts, the works? lol

We all make decisions..
(I just don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to get hurt by anyone - I care and love them both)

Ok, so, time to update my journal. Since my last post; hardly anything has happened, yet so much has happened. This is gonna be a long post, so embrace yourself. It will be split into two parts. The first of which will describe where I last left off with Kate, and the the second post will talk about more recent events..

Part I:

     So, back to Kate, we broke up as that one post states.. We stopped being friends. This was in part, because of Kristina.. Sorry Kristina. But Kate would just not let go. She kept flirting with me. Well Kristina started to like me too, and I started to like her, and I felt really bad, seeing how Kristina was her friend. So I told Kate that I didn't want to be her friend anymore. That was actually the same night I went over to Kristina's house. Since then I haven't really have talked to Kate, maybe a message here or there. She was so controlling and just depressed me, and controlled me. She even bitched me out that night that I told her I didn't want to talk to her anymore. She even was bitching at Kristina about it too, and Kristina was bitching at me, then she'd flip sides, and be like, God Kate is such a bitch. etc. so anyways, onward. That was done with, and so life goes on. Kristina and I remained friends... though, even though we remain friends, we do flirt a lot. I'm not sure if we'll ever have anything more than friendship though.
     So, yea, I got a Honda Civic awhile back ago. My old car finally broke down. My ex friend Denitza asked me to take her across town, and of course I said ok. she said it was 19th st, and of course when we get close, I asked her which side of the road it was on, and she was like, its 19th Ave.. so I was like you have to be kidding, so I jumped on the freeway. well when I got off, the engine was tapping, yea I neglected to put oil in it.. haha, but I really wanted a new car, so I didn't care all so much. So, the engine blew, and we had to walk the rest of the way to her friends, which was luckily like a mile away. They gave me a ride back home. So, the next day, my mom took me and we towed my car to her cousins, then later that week my uncle and aunt took me to car dealerships. I couldn't find any good cars, but I am glad I got the Civic, it's nice.. been almost a year that I have had it now.. oh how time flies.. (btw I put $0 down, that's how cool I am)
    So, I later moved out of my house.. yea I know, you probably already know if you are reading this, but just in case you don't, I have moved out. So I live with Tyler, and Nichole.. well until recently, now Leah lives here too. It's so crowded. We live in a one bedroom apartment.. 4 people! Seriously. Craziness! It's defficult sometimes though. But our lease is up in Aug, so we are all splitting apart, well Nichole and Leah are going there own way, and Tyler and I are going ours.. It's scary, because we don't even have a place yet, and I don't know.. just sucky to think it so soon.
Anyways,

Part II

     This next part, like any good story involves a girl, though this story has no happy ending... Le’ts start from the beginning. I got this own a friend app on myspace, and I just bought random people. Well one of them messaged me asking if she knew me. Well we started talking, and kind of connected. That was just over a month ago, btw. So as we talked, I started to really like her. There's just something about her. Like, she's really sweet, and just seems really amazing.. oh, one problem, she lives in Colorado. She used to live in Pinetop, and is friends with Nichole and Leah (so don't worry). But, she just seemed awesome, like she didn't make me do anything I don't want, or try to control me, or make me feel bad. As many of you know, I hate girls. (Contrary to what a lot of you think, No I'm not gay) I just hate relationships. I hate how girls manipulate everything, and just try to control you, and make you feel like shit, and have to always get their ways.. I didn't feel that from her.. I don't know, and I just loved talkin to her. And I'm sure she likes talking to me. When I'd see a message from her, or a call from her, I'd smile.. well, til tonight.. the last message I got is as follows: "Josh, you are a really awesome guy, but I just dont think we would work well. Can we just please be strict friends? Please?". Man, seeing that was kind of a shocker? Like it leaves me speechless... still, though I suppose distance has some enfluence on her decision for that. But it really just... Wow.. Yanno? And, I know I haven't met her.. which confuses me much to why I feel soo.. like, it shouldn't affect me so. but it does... Like, I don't know, like a thought that I thought of awhile back ago, goes: like, I felt we had amazing chemistry, but it wasn't just chemistry.. it was something more.. but what it was, I don't know..
     I now know I was wrong...

    
Conclusion:

     Sometimes life just sucks.. Well it seems to a lot of the times.. Especially when it comes to being in a relationship.. I hate it. Every girl I seem to like, always looks at me as a brother =[. That's great, yes, let's remain friends, I do want to stay friends.. but what hurts is that this is how every girl seems to see me as.. Either a brother or a close friend. Whatever happened to falling in love with someone you trust and feel close to? The excuss is that they don't want to lose my friendship, but in retrospect it seems that when a girl says that, our friendship does indeed deteriate.. so what was the point of that? So if either way our friendship will ultimately deteoriate, then why not date anyways? Maybe something good could come out of dating, but now I'm stuck with the question: "What If?"..
     Such Negative thoughts leave me wounded....
     It seems to me, maybe I'm too nice? Colleen(the girl from above btw) did ask me the other day, if there was one thing I'd change about myself, it would be this.. That girls would not see me as their best friend, or a brother, but instead see me as a man, see me as someone they would date. I almost just feel like giving up on being nice.. Just do what other guys do? Just play it smooth, sweet talk the girl, and just get into their pants.. That seems to work really well for like everyone...
     Just... That's not who I am...

ed. This is gonna be a long post, so embrace yourself. It will be split into two parts. The first of which will describe where I last left off with Kate, and the the second post will talk about more recent events..

    

Yours Trully,

Josh Tiley

So theres a rumor that 1 of 4 cities will be nuked at the end of this year(within the next 2 months) phoenix is one of the 4 cities that are a possible threat. Now president Bush is gonna blame Iran, and delcare world war 3. Now what i reallized is that also, because of elections that are comming up, if Bush declares world war 3, then that automatically puts the united states in a state of emergeny, which means that he will stay president as long as the united states are in this state. Now what i realize is that AZ is one of the states that opposed the National ID Act, so what better target for this nuke attack? i mean seriously? it would scare the rest of the u.s. and destroy az as a threat. this is definately triffling to me, since i live here in AZ =/

so another day, the same old stuff. *yawn* things have pretty much been slow lately, nothing much really happening, nothing much new. just the same old. well i did finally get a new car, its a honda civic '04. Im also taking 3 classes in college. anyways, yea, life has pretty much been oppressing. Im hoping things will get better soon. if anyone wants to hang out that would be great! just text me or call me. if you dont have my number just go to my myspace and private message me. well peace~

so, I havent posted an entry in a very long time now. Not much has happened, well except that Kate and I broke up a few months back. but we are trying to stay friends. that can be hard. Anyways, I have been doing alright. Just school and work. Programming too. Hopefully I can get a business of my own going. lol. that be awesome. Other than that Im planning on getting a new car next month. my current car is old and probably wont last much longer, lol. darn cars. well anyways, feel free to leave comments. Thanks!

So, my girlfriend wants me to blog... so fine, Imma blog. lol yea, I love her a lot. she means the world to me. although she doesnt always know that, and we have been arguing a little bit more lately, I think we are doing alright. so today was fun. We went to the fair. at first I was kind of eh.. but she started to pay more attention to me. a lot of the time I guess thats what I want is for her to pay more attention to me. she always seems to be running off to everything else, and I sometimes feel like Im always chasing her. but anyways, after I sat in the massage chair and she realized I wasnt chasing after he, she came back and found me, and she paid more attention to me. We held hands which was nice and I had my arm around her at times. So we went on the ferris wheel, that was fun. it went really high. she had her head down at first and was scared. I didnt say anything, but I felt a little dizzy too, you dont realize how high it is, until your up there, but I just ignored the feeling. I had to make her feel better anyways. lol. we then later went on this water ride which was real fun, although it stopped twice, onces going up the slope.. that was scary, I thought it broke. lol anyways, she wrapper her arms around me, that was nice, I liked that, that she was holding onto me. so that was a fun and wet ride. So we finally go home. I try to go to work, but my car doesnt work. it doesnt even like rev.. so we think the batt is dead. so my mom takes me to autozone. still nothing, so we are like wtf? my bro has his friend come help. I call out of work. well after like half an hour to an hour, hes like I dont know. then Im sitting in the car.. and Im like omg, I know whats wrong. my bro and him were like what? and Im like h/o... I put the car into park(cause it was in drive) turn the key and rev it starts... lol I was like damn, thats all it was. so anyways, Im having a party tues, which should be a lot of fun. I cant wait. Kate and I are throwing it at my house. Im hoping that a lot of people will come. anyways, so kates friend alesia was supposed to help pay for it, but of couse she didnt help at all, even though she said she would. she did the same thing on kate's b-day, where she didnt even pay for her food. Whatever. so anyways, Kate and I are doing good. We are making sure that things are doing good. shes my bestest friend she is though. we try to talk about everything and make sure that things are good between us and have fun. though, theres times where I just feel like Im not that important or that she has other things that are more important to do. well anyways, I love her a lot. and we are hoping things will work. I think she's the one. and If she is then Im glad that its her.

So my lover wants me to update my journal, so here I am. yea, we are still together and doing good. Things are working out, and we both really love eachother. shes my world, she really is. I really love her. she knows that. :-P I miss her right now. anyways, Im having a holloween party on holloween, so that should be fun. well, I dont have much to say, so Im outtie

so, Im here in the computer commons at college being bored. Im waiting for my girlfriend to get out of her english class. hmm, my girlfriend, I love her so much. in anycase, we promised to be eachothers :-). Im getting her a promise ring. but yea, shes awesome, although there are sometimes where its just blah, we always talk and work it out. shes out.. gotta go, Ill write more later..