So, back to Kate, we broke up as that one post states.. We stopped being friends. This was in part, because of Kristina.. Sorry Kristina. But Kate would just not let go. She kept flirting with me. Well Kristina started to like me too, and I started to like her, and I felt really bad, seeing how Kristina was her friend. So I told Kate that I didn't want to be her friend anymore. That was actually the same night I went over to Kristina's house. Since then I haven't really have talked to Kate, maybe a message here or there. She was so controlling and just depressed me, and controlled me. She even bitched me out that night that I told her I didn't want to talk to her anymore. She even was bitching at Kristina about it too, and Kristina was bitching at me, then she'd flip sides, and be like, God Kate is such a bitch. etc. so anyways, onward. That was done with, and so life goes on. Kristina and I remained friends... though, even though we remain friends, we do flirt a lot. I'm not sure if we'll ever have anything more than friendship though.
     So, yea, I got a Honda Civic awhile back ago. My old car finally broke down. My ex friend Denitza asked me to take her across town, and of course I said ok. she said it was 19th st, and of course when we get close, I asked her which side of the road it was on, and she was like, its 19th Ave.. so I was like you have to be kidding, so I jumped on the freeway. well when I got off, the engine was tapping, yea I neglected to put oil in it.. haha, but I really wanted a new car, so I didn't care all so much. So, the engine blew, and we had to walk the rest of the way to her friends, which was luckily like a mile away. They gave me a ride back home. So, the next day, my mom took me and we towed my car to her cousins, then later that week my uncle and aunt took me to car dealerships. I couldn't find any good cars, but I am glad I got the Civic, it's nice.. been almost a year that I have had it now.. oh how time flies.. (btw I put $0 down, that's how cool I am)
    So, I later moved out of my house.. yea I know, you probably already know if you are reading this, but just in case you don't, I have moved out. So I live with Tyler, and Nichole.. well until recently, now Leah lives here too. It's so crowded. We live in a one bedroom apartment.. 4 people! Seriously. Craziness! It's defficult sometimes though. But our lease is up in Aug, so we are all splitting apart, well Nichole and Leah are going there own way, and Tyler and I are going ours.. It's scary, because we don't even have a place yet, and I don't know.. just sucky to think it so soon.
Anyways,

     This next part, like any good story involves a girl, though this story has no happy ending... Le’ts start from the beginning. I got this own a friend app on myspace, and I just bought random people. Well one of them messaged me asking if she knew me. Well we started talking, and kind of connected. That was just over a month ago, btw. So as we talked, I started to really like her. There's just something about her. Like, she's really sweet, and just seems really amazing.. oh, one problem, she lives in Colorado. She used to live in Pinetop, and is friends with Nichole and Leah (so don't worry). But, she just seemed awesome, like she didn't make me do anything I don't want, or try to control me, or make me feel bad. As many of you know, I hate girls. (Contrary to what a lot of you think, No I'm not gay) I just hate relationships. I hate how girls manipulate everything, and just try to control you, and make you feel like shit, and have to always get their ways.. I didn't feel that from her.. I don't know, and I just loved talkin to her. And I'm sure she likes talking to me. When I'd see a message from her, or a call from her, I'd smile.. well, til tonight.. the last message I got is as follows: "Josh, you are a really awesome guy, but I just dont think we would work well. Can we just please be strict friends? Please?". Man, seeing that was kind of a shocker? Like it leaves me speechless... still, though I suppose distance has some enfluence on her decision for that. But it really just... Wow.. Yanno? And, I know I haven't met her.. which confuses me much to why I feel soo.. like, it shouldn't affect me so. but it does... Like, I don't know, like a thought that I thought of awhile back ago, goes: like, I felt we had amazing chemistry, but it wasn't just chemistry.. it was something more.. but what it was, I don't know..
     I now know I was wrong...

     Sometimes life just sucks.. Well it seems to a lot of the times.. Especially when it comes to being in a relationship.. I hate it. Every girl I seem to like, always looks at me as a brother =[. That's great, yes, let's remain friends, I do want to stay friends.. but what hurts is that this is how every girl seems to see me as.. Either a brother or a close friend. Whatever happened to falling in love with someone you trust and feel close to? The excuss is that they don't want to lose my friendship, but in retrospect it seems that when a girl says that, our friendship does indeed deteriate.. so what was the point of that? So if either way our friendship will ultimately deteoriate, then why not date anyways? Maybe something good could come out of dating, but now I'm stuck with the question: "What If?"..
     Such Negative thoughts leave me wounded....
     It seems to me, maybe I'm too nice? Colleen(the girl from above btw) did ask me the other day, if there was one thing I'd change about myself, it would be this.. That girls would not see me as their best friend, or a brother, but instead see me as a man, see me as someone they would date. I almost just feel like giving up on being nice.. Just do what other guys do? Just play it smooth, sweet talk the girl, and just get into their pants.. That seems to work really well for like everyone...
     Just... That's not who I am...

ed. This is gonna be a long post, so embrace yourself. It will be split into two parts. The first of which will describe where I last left off with Kate, and the the second post will talk about more recent events..

    

Yours Trully,

Josh Tiley